Human beings are hard wired to seek connection with others. To love and being loved in return is a constant quest for the majority of people. What actually happens in our brains when we experience love? And how does this experience evolve over time?
Love can be defined in both objective and subjective terms; but it is most and foremost an individual experience. We all love differently because we have learnt and developed in different ways because of the combination of our biological variances, and the environment in which we evolve.
Love is a universal experience because no matter where in the world we are, or what our culture and beliefs may be, we experience relationships which can be of all nature (romantic, friendship,…). It is a basic human need which makes love a lot more than just an emotion, it is something we experience.
Love can manifest in different ways, and around the world different cultures will express love differently. It doesn’t mean that love is not experience with the same intensity. Social expectations play a large part in the way we learn to express our emotions and feelings both privately and in public. This can play a big role in creating misunderstandings in relationships because we interpret the other person’s behaviour from our perspective. We need to be brave enough to let our doubts and anxiety at bay and be curious about the other’s perspective.
When we experience love, four chemicals in our body and brain play a key part in that experience.
Oxytocin, the feel good hormone allows us to feel more self-confident by reducing the activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain which manages fear and anxiety.
Dopamine, which works alongside oxytocin, is the chemical which will enable us to take action. Oxytocin will make us feel relaxed, but without dopamine, nothing would happen.
Dopamine is released when experiencing joy which could be anything from eating a delicious meal, spending quality time with the family or just cuddling someone.
Oxytocin and dopamine play an important role at the start of a relationship because they make the brain more prone to learning. The additional learning is important to create a bond with another person.
Serotonin: regulating our levels of serotonin helps with mental health conditions and when it comes to love, it also help create a little bit of obsession, which in turn helps us stay together in the longer term.
Finally, beta endorphin is released when we are in contact with the source of our joy which could be when dancing, singing or being with someone else. It has a similar effect to opioid where coming away from the source of joy will trigger symptoms of withdrawal, making us more desirous to go back to our source of joy.
These four chemicals are key components when we fall in love. Different parts of the brain will be active at different stages of the relationship. In the first couple of years of a relationship, also called the limerence period, oxytocin and dopamine will be found in large quantities in a region of the brain called the nucleus accumbens which is close to our emotional center. After the limerence period, the level of chemicals starts to drop to more normal levels and the experience of love moves towards our pre-frontal cortex, our planning side of the brain, love becomes more rational and pragmatic in a way.
Learning that there are different stages in our experience of love is key to avoid disappointment and misunderstandings in relationships. Understanding that the limerence period is a little bit special is fundamental in managing expectations in relationships. At the start of a relationship, our brains are programmed to make us act in a way which is a bit more enthusiastic than our baseline behaviour. The latter will resume at the end of the limerence period. Communication and understanding of each other’s needs will be essential to go pass that stage and learn to transition into the more pragmatic and rational experience of love.
Related Posts
