“Love languages” is a concept which was created in 1992, extracted from the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, by Gary Chapman.
Chapman was a Baptist pastor who was working with families and counselling couples. His observations of couples led him to develop the concept. He classed the different ways in which people expressed their love as well as enjoy receiving love, into 5 main categories. Although people use all 5 languages, they tend to have a preference for one language. Chapman called it the primary love language. He noticed that couples who shared what he called a primary love language seemed to enjoy more enduring relationships.
The 5 love languages are:
· Words of affirmation: this is when someone feels appreciated when being praised, supported or encouraged. Their sensitivity lies with the spoken word. People whose primary love language is words of affirmation, will enjoy receiving little notes, particularly around reinforcing what they do well and why they matter.
· Quality time: this is when someone feels appreciated when they get their partner’s full attention. Time spent together needs to be meaningful and engaging. People whose primary love language is quality time will enjoy active listening, full presence and undivided attention.
· Receiving gifts: this is when someone feels appreciated when receiving gesture which will carry meaning for them. Those gestures or gifts need to symbolise the affection being communicated as well as the time and energy put into finding that meaningful gesture or gift. The financial value of those gestures is irrelevant, what counts is the thoughts behind them. People whose primary love language is receiving gifts will value the effort made in choosing a gift for them or do something special for them.
· Acts of service: this is when someone feels appreciated when someone does something for them. This doesn’t have to be big and demanding things; it can simply be an act of kindness. People whose primary love language is acts of service will notice the little details and things that someone does for them. They’ll highly appreciate the care and attention put in the selflessness of the acts.
· Physical touch: this is when someone feels appreciated when they are having physical display of affections. It can be a hug, a gentle caress, holding hands or a kiss. People whose primary love language is physical touch will enjoy connecting with their partner through some form of touch, not necessarily of sexual nature.
Love languages don’t have much scientific evidence behind the concept. Very little research has been done on love languages and the outcome tend to be mixed as it is a concept which is both difficult to quantify and qualify. However, the concept is very popular and seems to speak to people. The concept is relevant in more than just romantic relationships.
It is not a major issue if partners in relationships do not share the same primary language. What really matters is how much understanding each partner has of the other’s love language and how much they use it to communicate their affection.
To find out about your love language, please take the quiz on the Library part of the website.
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