The scenario which sounds so familiar….
“We met, we fell in love, and when we started dating, everything felt easy. We used to spend time together, we had lots of sex, we would talk for hours, we made each other feel special. A few years on, it feels as if we have become two strangers. Our life is filled with routine, tiredness, stress. We barely speak or look at each other. Sex only happens when on holidays or once in a while, we don’t hug or kiss as we used to… we don’t say “I love you” to each other anymore… “
How did that happen?
One thing no one tells us is that relationships evolve over time. They follow some sort of pattern which inevitably manifests at some point. Relationships are complex to navigate and demand constant work and attention. They are influenced by who we are as individuals and our actions, as well as the dynamic interaction between the partners and also by social norms and expectations. If aligned, these factors can form a great recipe to find happiness and satisfaction in a relationship over time. Below I will go through each category of factors and give some pointers to look at. Looking at some of those factors and assessing where things are in the relationship will allow for a roadmap to de drawn and clear actions to be taken to put the relationship back on track if it is what is desired.
Individual factors
These factors are driven by each person involved in the relationship. They are influenced by who we are and how we function as individuals. These contribute to relationship satisfaction mainly because individuals are different, they have different perspectives and viewpoints. Each individual is influenced by their background, knowledge and the way they have been taught to love and form relationships. No two people will be the same and this makes it complicated from the word GO.
The first factor to look out for is expectations. Understanding what each individual’s expectations are for themselves and the relationship will help align on future goals and also navigate the natural ebb and flows of a relationship. For example, research shows that women’s desire is affected over time. Going through life events such as giving birth or menopause alters their hormonal balance and in turn their level of sexual drive. Expecting that desire will remain spontaneous throughout the course of the relationships is unreal. Adjusting to what can be delivered over time will help manage frustration, resentment and disappointment.
Another factor to look out for is finding mental availability to make the relationship a priority. Over time, our levels of responsibility grows and with it comes the never-ending to-do lists which occupy our thoughts constantly… school runs, diner, shop, bills, work, families, friends… Anxious thoughts will take center stage and almost disable the ability to even just want to consider something pleasurable. We don’t leave space to think about anything else than our worries and feel guilty for taking time off from them. Stopping to think about making the relationship a priority is what makes us grow apart, become estranged to one another. It takes away the connection between the partners and eventually the emotional stability which is required to keep relationships going.
Autonomy is another important factor to look out for. Relationships need an element of novelty to keep the interest alive. When “2 become 1”, as per the Spice Girls song, then there is no more excitement and boredom takes over and leaves space for routine. Maintaining a level of “otherness” is essential to fuel the relationship’s need for discovery. So ask yourself: what do I do for myself that doesn’t involve my partner and feeds into the relationship?
Of course, the obvious stress and fatigue factors are common culprits in interfering with relationship satisfaction. Mainly because they get in the way of maintaining emotional stability
Interpersonal factors
These factors are mainly related to the dynamic between the people involved in the relationship. These factors help us build emotional intimacy which in turn brings us together.
The first thing to look out for in this category is what do we get out of our interactions with our partners, our level of responsiveness and the goals we have in mind when doing something for our partner. Do you do things because you want to and you’re getting something for yourself out of it (pleasure, joy, satisfaction,…) or do you do things for your partner to avoid getting into situations you may not like (not say something to avoid an argument for example). If the former, you interact in the relationship with approached goals which support emotional growth and if the latter, you interact with avoidance goals which create distance. This is important to watch out for because we almost make those choices and decisions unconsciously, out of habit, and over time it takes its toll.
Another factor to look out for is self-expansion, in other words what does the other person brings to you? How does the other make your world a better place? What would you miss most about the other person if there weren’t there anymore? To know the value of each partner in a relationships helps balance the dynamic and keeps the emotional closeness alive.
There are a few more factors, but the biggest one is communication. Keeping communication going between partners over time, at every level; not just for practical matters is the largest contributor of relationship satisfaction. Learning to talk about everything, serious subjects, lighthearted ones, or argue about difference in perspectives without taking things personally is what will help each partner in the relationship feel they can be themselves without fear or judgement and therefore be comfortable and happy in the relationship.
Social norms and expectations
In this category, it is important to watch out for the enactment of stereotypical behaviour or thoughts we may have. These may drive expectations which in turn can create tension between partners. For example, social scripts may dictate that boys don’t cry but is it a fair expectation to have? Boys have emotions and feelings in a same way that girls do, so why wouldn’t they be allowed to cry? In a relationship, if this is a dominant script for one of the partner, it will create tension and potential distance for not being able to be themselves.
Conclusion
I hope this article has given you some pointers to think about if you are experiencing some difficulty in your relationship with your partner. Long term relationships are complex to maintain over time and it is almost inevitable to go through a difficult time. Getting support from a relationship therapist is opening the door to expand and grow yourself as an individual as well as the relationship. Relationship therapy can help explore the various factors contributing to relationship satisfaction, in a neutral way, allowing exploration and self-discovery to take place.
Related Posts
