Grief… what is it?

“Grief is a reflection of a connection that has been lost”. – David Kessler

Grief is a process experienced naturally as a result of a loss. It is an adaptive process which enables us to move forward and leave in peace with who or what was lost.

Although loss of a loved one is probably what most people will associated with grief, it can come in various forms such as: loss of statuses as a result of losing a job for example, loss of family roots through the process of expatriation or immigration, loss of confidence through changes in body image after an accident for example, loss of a relationship when going through a divorce or working through the complex issues of an affair, loss of body function such as erectile function following prostate cancer, and many more.

Grieving and mourning go hand in hand in the process of working through the trauma that a loss may represent. Grieving is the inward expression of loss whereas mourning is the outward expression of loss.

Grief is a personal experience and often mirrors the character of the person who is grieving (angry people may find relief in grieving in anger for example). There is no good or bad way to grief, the process needs to take place and it needs to be adapted to the person who grieves. It is important to remember that how I would feel grief, should not be the expectation for anyone else experiencing grief.

There are various types of grief, and not all of them involve expressions of commonly recognised as distress emotions and feelings. For example inhibited grief is when someone does not display any external signs of grief or practical grief where someone choses to focus on the practical aspects of life.

Grief is commonly mapped along a 5 stages curve where the initial stage is shock and/or denial, this is then followed by anger, a period of bargaining to avoid the loss and the pain associated with it. Depression follows when there is a realisation that the loss is unavoidable and eventually with some help and support, acceptance comes and we can move on.

Mourning has 3 phases: avoidance, confrontation and accommodation. The first stage is supporting the process of recognising the loss, give it some meaning so that the person can make sense of it. The second stage is the process of dealing with the grief itself by finding ways in which the experience of loss can make sense. And finally, the last stage is there to help rebuild new meaning in a life without the loss. Recognising that there has been a loss, letting the pain of the loss being expressed and finding meaning again are important components to move forward.

Psychosexual issues and relationship issues will unavoidably bring experiences of losses and will require working with grief.