A sexual fantasy refers to an image or a range of images that we imagine and that are found to be either sexually arousing or erotic. Sexual fantasies are a universal experience, although they might not be recognised or acknowledged openly. Data from studies show that 97% to 98% of people report having fantasies on a regular basis.
Sexual fantasy and sexual dream are two distinct things. Although a large number of people report having had sex dreams (study from 2004 by Schredl and colleagues showed 93% of men and 86% of women), only a very small percentage of our dreams are sex related (8% of our dreams). We don’t really know why but it appears that stomach sleepers have more sex dreams than the rest of the population! Also, a key difference with sexual fantasy, is that a sex dream may or may not be arousing when actually awake. A similarity which is shared between both is that sexual fantasies as well as sexual dreams are a reflection of the circumstances we are in our lives at that point in time.
It is not unusual to feel guilt and shame about having sexual fantasies. This relates to the social expectations we have with regards to what is acceptable or not when it comes to sex.
Justin Lehmiller conducted the largest study about sexual fantasies in the US. We need to therefore highlight the cultural element of the following data.
Amongst the most popular themes of sexual fantasies, the highest score overall (more than 60% of people) was about novelty or having new or exciting sexual experiences. This was closely followed by breaking rules or a taboo. Equally popular was the theme around multiple sex partners which is the most popular of them when looking more globally at sexual fantasies.
Even though most people report fantasising about their current partners (if they have one), it is not unusual to fantasise about another person. Sexual desire and emotional commitment are different things.
Sexual fantasies are an excellent way to enhance sexual arousal and sexual pleasure; but also to experience different things in a very safe way.
Sexual fantasies are most present when we have solo sex, but they can be experienced anywhere such as during sex with partner(s), at work, at the gym, even when just having a discussion with someone else.
There is no fundamental meaning about who we are as a person to be derived from having sexual fantasies and their content. They just indicate a vivid imagination. When looking a little bit deeper, we can however see that sexual fantasies help us with some fundamental human needs such as the need for novelty and the need to belong.
Sexual fantasies change over time because the meaning of sex and what is desirable changes.
Fantasies don’t have to be enacted to fulfil their purpose. When considering doing it, it is important to think of what the implications might be. For example, fantasising about multiple partners, would it be safe to do so?
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