The simple answer is yes… but… it is not an easy situation to overcome. Betrayal is an experience where pain is felt very deeply and it takes a lot of courage to want to face that pain and work through it.
We can’t quantify a betrayal. There is no such thing as “a small betrayal” or “a large betrayal”. It is very much a binary concept because at its core betrayal is about breaking trust. The painful experience of betrayal reminds us that we are no longer in a safe space with the person whom we feel betrayed by.
Betrayal is a subjective experience. No one feels the same way about the actions, or words of someone. This is because trust is the by-product of confronting someone with our core values and beliefs. These form the fundamental part of who we are as individuals. They define our core identity as a person. They define the “I am” statements that make each and every one of us unique and as such render our experience of betrayal unique.
Betrayal is about what matters to us and what we value. If you value loyalty, then witnessing disloyalty will be perceived as an act of betrayal. This cluster of values and beliefs which define us will provide the blueprint for gauging the depth of actions or words needed to constitute betrayal. This is why for some people in relationships, betrayal has happened when just a kiss was given outside of the relationship, for others having an affair will be the defining factor. Some will differentiate between “it was just sex” or “there are emotions involved”.
When experiencing betrayal, it is important to remember that our values and beliefs have previously assessed the person as safe and therefore trustworthy. It is therefore important to look for the actual root cause of the betrayal. Focusing on the actions or words that led to the betrayal will only drive blame which in turn will lead to guilt and shame.
If someone is willing to explore the possible factors which have led to betrayal, then there is a good chance that the relationship will survive. Our values and beliefs may remain fairly stable over time but our needs and wants evolve. The way we found fulfilment and happiness progresses with our life experiences. For example, at the beginning of a relationship, we may fulfil our needs for closeness and validation through high levels of sexual activity. However, if sexual activity decreased over time then that need is no longer met in a way that feels satisfactory. The person will therefore be open to other option which will help meet that need.
It might be a difficult task to identify the needs and the dysfunctional element of those needs to be met; but it is not impossible. It takes mediation, time and willingness to face our own responsibilities in what led to the dysfunctional element to emerge. It is no one’s fault, life happens and sometimes we lose track of things. Therapy can help you on this journey by creating a space which feels safe and held to face those difficult conversations and find a way forward.
Related Posts
