Bowlby, who studied attachment styles and is dubbed the father of Attachment Theory, once said that we learn to love in childhood. What does this mean and what are the implications for our future relationships?
The first thing to say is that attachment only happens with meaningful relationships. These relationships tend to be selective and have a degree of importance. Attachment is multi-factorial, involving biological and mental elements, and therefore is a complex concept. Attachment does not just apply to romantic relationships, it can apply to other types of relationships such as friendships.
We learn our blueprint to love from the people that represent models to us. They could be our parents, grandparents or even an influential teacher. Often, the behaviour of our parents and particularly our mothers has a direct impact on how the blueprint to love gets established. This is because, the behaviour of our parents will shape the oxytocin and cortisol systems of the infant. Both of these systems are critical to learn to love. Oxytocin helps to connect with others through relaxing our mental state (lower our anxiety and fears) and cortisol is a key hormone to handle stress levels.
Touch and synchronous interaction between a parent and an infant are paramount to develop the capacity to bond and develop an attachment. Research shows that factors such as post-natal depression, or even premature birth can impact this critical process and leave long lasting effects.
However, effects of early difficulties are not irreversible. Attachment or our blueprint to love can still be changed and developed through a different significant relationship. This means that attachment styles are not fixed over time.
Attachment styles are measured on two dimensions: anxiety and avoidance. There are 4 attachment styles:
- Secure which indicates low anxiety and low avoidance,
- Preoccupied which indicates low avoidance and high anxiety,
- Dismissive which indicates low anxiety and high avoidance, and
- Fearful-avoidant which indicates high anxiety and high avoidance.
Some indications of each style could be:
- Secure: someone who love without worrying about what the other person does or who they are with. They tend to trust their partner and feel good about themselves.
- Preoccupied: someone who seeks constant re-assurance and the need to be appreciated/loved. They need validation whilst being very sensitive to their partner’s needs.
- Dismissive: someone who from the outside appears to be distant and emotional unavailable. They tend to show self-sufficiency, finding it hard to open up to others.
- Fearful-avoidant: someone who can show a “hot and cold” behaviour, sometimes desperately wanting to belong and others desperately showing emotional distance.
Understanding our attachment style can help understand some of the difficulties a relationship has because of the impact of our behaviours from our blueprint to love!
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